joys of parenting: butt snot

the amount of shit you put up with as the mother of a two year old boy is never discussed before you decide to have children. and i mean that in the poopiest! messiest! grossest! way possible. that is your warning! if you don't want to have an open conversation about the shitings of a two year old.....i'll see you later.

potty training is going pretty well. we've been at it now for about 2 months. we have had minimal public accidents. we need to replace only one carpet in the house. and he's pooped in the can....um once. every other single poop has been an "accident".....a really flippin' gross accident. let me tell you how hard it is to pry turd filled underpants off a kid that can't stand still. it really brings a whole new meaning to skid marks. and i am not going to lie....there have been a hand full that we've just looked at and said: "f@$% no i am not cleaning that out"....trashed. also i feel the need to share the face that my favorite kind of poop accident is the "naked drop" (our house is 95% tarrazzo floors...so it's a quick and easily sanitized clean up).  everybody poops.....so as a reasonably intelligent adult, i knew that when in the process of potty training, well, i was going to have to clean shit up along the way.

but what no body tells you about is what happens when you have non-healthy poops.  for the past two weeks the boy has had a mysterious and might i add random butt snot issue. i don't want to freak anyone out....he's doing fine. the doctor is leaning more towards some kind of allergy because he was never really sick. and since starting him on a kids probiotic, things are really starting to shape up.....literally. what is my gut telling me? well the boy has been in daycare now for just a bit over a month....i think that all the crap that they feed them at school is tearing his tummy up.  the daycare offers a state funded meal plan. so they feed him breakfast, lunch, and a snack. the day we had to pick him up early from school for having too much butt snot, he was being fed fritos and pineapple chunks.  that was the state issued snack? wtf? wtf on so many levels! i have since convinced the boys doctor to write a note to his school saying that i will be providing his meals so that we can monitor that crap that is being introduced to him.

i try to feed my family fairly healthy....i wouldn't say that i am a nut about it. i love more than anyone in this house our rapidly growing tradition of saturday pizza night. hell, as i am writing this i am eating a plater of fried spicy cheese balls (that's what she said) for dinner.  but i have never really been one to expose the boy to a lot of crap food. really because i believe that he loves real food too much to ruin it for him. i will gladly pack that boys lunch for the rest of his life. i feel so terrible for his little tummy. i mean really take yourself there....shit your brains out the house a bag of fritos and the eat your share of pineapple....tell me how that works out for you.

shit happens. a whole lot of it. and it's going to get on things. it will for sure get under your nails at some point. you will smell it on something or someone for way to long before you realized it's smeared on your very own arm. hey sometimes the dog even  eats it. but once the stink wears off there is the sweetest little boy who has me wrapped around his finger. i will shovel his shit and make his lunch for the rest of his life if he wants me to.

joys of parenting: poop mittens

this morning my sweet little boy let us sleep in until 8 o'clock, which was greatly appreciated since he usually is ready to start his day at 6:30. Well technically he was awake before 8, but he was playing so quietly in his room that the hubs and i decided to just let him be and enjoy just a few more minutes of snuggle time.

after a few minutes of snuggling, starting the coffee, and letting the dog out i decided it was time to get that little monkey and start our day.

upon opening ash's bedroom door i was first taken aback by the giant mess that he made. there were toys, books, diapers, and wipes strewn about his room.

as i made my way into the giant mess it hit me like a brick in the face, a really stinky brick in the face. POOP!

now i am not talking about a little dirty diaper here. i am talking about the overwhelming smell of poop.

as i got further into his room he jumped out of bed to show me the cause of stink. let's start with his hands. my son was wearing poop mittens. there was poop under his nails, in between his fingers, and clear up to his wrists. in sheer panic i raced ash to the bathroom and quickly de-pooped his hands. i scrubbed them and then covered them in hand sanitizer. let me just interject here that i am not usually the squeamish one in the family when in comes to bodily excrement. but i was totally freaked out by this whole situation.

after sanitizing the child, he pointed out to me that there was a pile of poop hiding out next to his book shelf. now i don't pride myself of my detective skills, but i just can't wrap my head around how all of this happened!

i figured the pile of poop wasn't going anywhere, so i decided to tackle the source of the issue. ash's butt was next on the cleaning list.

by this point the dog and the hubs had joined us in the poop cave. all the commotion was drawing a crowd. but it was a much needed extra pair of hands. plus the hubs super sensitive gag reflex provided an extra source of entertainment. as if all the inappropriate poop jokes were not enough. as we started discussing the literal "shit everywhere", we found more. poop smears on the door, on the drum set, oh and check out the pile over there......where did it go?

yeah that's right the poop pile was gone. and so was the dog.

moral of the story. shit happens. and sometimes the dog looks guilty. gross.

needless to say, i spent the following hours avoiding the dog.